Feeling all beat by 6 PM.
[The Tamo-san Hour Smile! Is that Good?]
Virgins tend to be timid.
Getting all bitchy by 6 PM.
Still gonna be a virgin tomorrow.
Watashi wa Tomu desu.
I am Tom.
No way I could possibly know that!
Hey! Who the hell's Tom?!
Yosan wo agete.
Give me money!
We're the only ones using 4:3 in this day and age.
After all these years, the costs haven't changed!
Apologizing when you don't even mean it.
[Note: This is a reference to American Admiral Perry's black ships that opened up Japan's period of isolation in 1853.]
Opening up when the black ships come!
Laugh away! Bitchin' sparking! Yay!
There's always the next life.
So it's all good!
Project X.
[Note: Project X is a Japanese TV documentary series.]
Tomoro Taguchi!
[Note: Tomoro Taguchi is the Japanese voice actor who narrates in Project X.]
It's all good. It's all good.
Taguchi!
Tomoro!
We'll move on to the next segment.
Good evening.
Good evening!
Huh? The same audience as last week?
Sure is!
Isn't coincidence a scary thing?
Sure is!
And yeah, we're just recycling, aren't we?
Sure are.
We have Ketsuno here.
It's a pleasure.
The pleasure is all mine.
Now we have a guest introduced by Mako-chan-san yesterday.
Sadaharu-san!
Uh, wait?
This is a dog, right?
It's big, but it's a dog, right?
Uh, we're supposed to be doing an interview here, right?
How do we make this work?
Then I'll introduce you to Sadaharu.
This is just a dog.
You're a funny guy, Mako-chan.
There's somebody in this thing, right?
Yeah, I was joking when I agreed to this yesterday.
What do I do here?
I can't do anything about this.
And how the hell could he introduce a dog to me?
Huh? A poster?
[Note: In shows like this, an actor or musician usually brings a poster to promote a movie or event.]
Huh? Why?
Is that supposed to be some kind of advertisement?
And why is it still here?
Why didn't anybody on the staff stop this?
A dog can't be allowed on stage when it's this big.
Wait, maybe this dog's...
A genius?
I see.
That must be it.
This dog must understand a fair amount of human speech.
That's why it's here.
I've got a chance then.
I haven't spent twenty-five years hosting this show for nothing.
I've handled all kinds of guests.
As long as it understands my words, I'll make it out like always!
I can do a genius dog!
Did you get a haircut...
[Note: Parody of Cozy Tomita who is an impersonator of Tamoro.]
["If a Friend Gets Injured, Take Him to the Hospital, Stat!"]
Next time on TV Mix-and-Match:
The pianist battle to decide Tsu Terakado's official fan club!
Expect a great show!
The pianist battle to decide Otsu-chan's official fan club?!
If we participate and win, we can still become official!
So we still have a chance!
So this is what they mean by running into Buddha in hell.
You've been saved by Otsu-chan...
Members of the Tsu Terakado Fan Club.
Well, it just means that you get to survive a little longer.
The outcome will be the same, no matter what the contest is.
The fact is that you people can't defeat me.
I'll see you on the stage.
I'll send those drooping heads flying off.
Wait.
Toshi.
No...
Hijikata-san.
You aren't Toshi.
You're Hijikata-san, aren't you?
Toshi is a cowardly otaku.
He would never barge into the enemy's territory.
And I don't remember him laughing so obnoxiously.
And most importantly of all,
he would never smoke cigarettes!
Hijikata-san, what are you plotting?
Posing as Toshi and making contact with otaku...
Gathering all those otaku together to make a huge faction...
And aiming to become Otsu-chan's official fan club on top of that...
What is your objective?
What are you trying to do?
As you all know, Toshi was born after I laid my hands on the demon sword.
A Toshiro Hijikata with his pathetic otaku characteristics amplified via a curse.
He isn't a different personality I created.
He's the real Toshiro Hijikata.
Mr. Hijikata!
But despite my acceptance,
he attempted to separate from me as a separate personality
and sealed himself deep inside.
Mr. Hijikata!
Wait, Mr. Hijikata!
He would probably disappear eventually.
That's what I thought.
But I kept waiting and he never disappeared.
He's still waiting with sharp eyes to take over my body when given the chance.
Can you understand?
How I felt after getting my hands on a nice cabinet
and looking forward to what I might put inside,
only to find it filled with pretty girl anime DVDs before I knew it?
Can you understand?
How I felt when I was preparing to head out into battle,
Oh, Mr. Hijikata.
[Otaku Attack] [Note: Parody of the title of Neon Genesis Evangelion TV episode 1.]
only to be corralled by friends I didn't know to an hour long discussion about Ovangelion.
[Note: Parody of Evangelion.]
That's enough.
I'm tired of the days of fighting.
Fighting on the outside, fighting on the inside...
When will I be able to rest?
Even if the demon sword was the catalyst,
he's still part of my personality.
I didn't refuse the fight.
I chose to face him head-on and talk.
"I don't want to disappear without accomplishing anything.
I want to leave proof of my existence."
That's what he said.
This is Toshi's dream.
My way of paying tribute to the departure of someone I gave birth to.
I will master the way of the otaku!
I will unite all otaku and become the king of otaku!
And etch proof of his existence into this world...into people's hearts!
I won't stop.
To help him rest in peace and to regain full control of this body,
I'll conquer the otaku world!
Hijikata-san...
Hey, Gin-chan.
What's the king of otaku?
How do you become one?
Do you have to get a license somewhere?
You can get one at the school in la-la land.
The top idol, Tsu Terakado.
With her in hand, I can stand at the top of all otaku.
My long battle will finally be over.
In hand? You're just going to be her fan club.
Yeah? Do you people understand?
Will you still try to stop me?
Will you interfere, knowing that this fight is for establishing my own existence?
Sorry, but I can't hand Otsu-chan over to someone who doesn't even love her.
Hand over? She was never yours to begin with.
I'm starting to repeat myself, but this is just a little fan club dispute.
That's what I thought you would say.
It appears that this battle was inevitable.
It's the fan club's duty to protect the princess to the very end.
Stop my conquest if you can!
Let's finish this, Hijikata-san!
I'll be the one to become the Tsu Terakado Official Fan Club!
Everybody!
Do you like Otsu?!
We love you!
You love me lots?!
We love you lots and lots!
You love me lots and lots and lots?!
We love you lots and lots and lots and lots!
A TV Mix-and-Match Special!
The pianist battle to decide Tsu Terakado's official fan club!
Okay, so we're on our way.
What do you think, Otsu-chan?
Impressive showing, right?
Five thousand fans gathered here for you!
Wow! Amazing!
Everybody!
Thank you! Suicide dive!
This is after we narrowed the numbers down significantly.
So from the five thousand people gathered here today,
in other words, from the 1,250 teams of four,
only one team will be chosen.
Only four of the five thousand people here will be able
to win the honor of becoming members of Otsu-chan's official fan club.
Well, this will be a difficult wall to climb.
How excited is everyone here?
Do you want to become Otsu-chan's official fan club?!
Are you willing to put up with any ordeal for the sake
of becoming Otsu-chan's official fan club?!
Are you willing to go anywhere for Otsu-chan, whether it's into fire or into water?!
Would you be able to eat Otsu-chan's ****?!
Wh-What's wrong with those people?!
How can they say that stuff on a live broadcast?!
They still managed to beep it just fine.
Somebody!
Get rid of those people!
Commercial! Cut to a commercial!
OEDO Record.
Tsu Terakado's long awaited single is on sale now!
Okay.
This is a pain, so let's go right to the final challenge.
We're going to distribute some of Otsu-chan's **** right now.
The team who finishes eating first wins.
Whenever you're ready!
What kind of challenge is that?!
And how much **** do you think Otsu-chan can put out?!
Stop ridiculing Otsu-chan!
Otsu-chan doesn't **** or fart!
Get lost scum!
You're the ones who should get lost, brats.
When you love a person,
that means you also love the dirty stuff about her.
When you pretend she doesn't **** and ignore the dirty stuff, you're out of the question.
Get out of here, cherry boys.
Our boss here boasts that he can down eight whole plates.
You people won't be able to beat our Tsu Terakado Fan Club in this lifetime.
Uh, could you stop making stuff up?
The Tsu Terakado Fan Club?
They're the legendary...
Impossible.
I heard they were destroyed by a rising new force.
I didn't expect them to still be around!
This isn't funny!
I came because I figured I had a chance, since they were gone!
Eight plates isn't humanly possible!
I was expecting one plate at most, which just shows he's on a whole different level.
I'm the first one out!
Second!
Oh, this is a surprising scene.
The appearance of the Tsu Terakado Fan Club has led to teams giving up one after another!
The Tsu Terakado Fan Club is a fearsome force!
What are you doing?!
Get down here!
Overwhelming other teams without even fighting!
A good portion of the teams have taken flight after that scat talk!
Gin-san, I appreciate this.
You understand, right?
I don't care about the membership cards.
The reward money is all mine.
What are you talking about?
The reward money's mine.
That's why I listened to Otsu-chan's songs over and over until I could sing them from memory.
Your big brother's a hi-
Are you stupid? Dying?
This isn't a singing contest.
Hey...
Shin-chan, are these people really going to work?
Uh, cut the chatter.
Tsu Terakado Fan Club,
if you pull something like this again, you'll be immediately disqualified.
Well, we had an unexpected disruption, but please calm down, everybody.
Otsu-chan, are you okay?
U-Um...
Yes.
Sorry about embarrassing you like that.
But everybody who stayed is able to eat Otsu-chan's ****, so you don't have to worry.
Stop talking about ****, MC!
I apologize.
We've lost quite a few teams, but we'll carry on as planned.
The people who already left would never have survived till the end.
Understood, everybody?
I'll explain the prelims so listen carefully.
We have approximately one thousand teams of four people here,
but only four teams will make it to the final selection!
Only four teams out of a thousand?!
A fierce battle right off the bat?!
Only those who truly love Otsu-chan can win the honor of being Otsu-chan's Official Fan Club!
However, there is no way to measure love!
In that case, you'll have to show me your love!
You call yourself a hyooooo-man?
Use your knowledge, stamina, and everything else you have to reach your beloved Otsu-chan!
What planet is your maaaa-ma fr-
The prelims will be a test of...
Stamina!
Otsu-chan will now take a helicopter to OEDO TV.
It's over there.
We have a ten kilometer course from the riverbed to OEDO TV.
You'll have to run it.
The first four people to reach Otsu-chan...
The teams those people belong to will earn the right to proceed to the final contest!
In other words, it doesn't matter if you have a slow ass on your team.
As long as one member ranks in the top four, your team proceeds!
But don't forget this:
If anybody on the team gives up, that team is immediately disqualified!
Everybody!
Come quick!
I'll be waiting!
Then, is everybody ready?!
Huh? We're already starting? Already starting?
Ready...
Set!
Go fish!
Why do otaku have such a hard time understanding how to use their bodies?
If they sprint at the very beginning, they're not going to last ten kilometers.
You'll always find people who race off at the beginning and drop off later on like Yamcha.
[Note: Yamcha is a character from Dragon Ball.]
Shin-chan, let's run together.
Let's cross the line together.
Kagura, you take care of the rest.
I'm gonna take it easy.
Woo-hoo!
The money's mine!
Fifty-fifty, fool.
Yahoo!
Buddy, this is so easy that I can feel mushrooms growing out of my belly button.
Stop, you're killing me.
So easy that...
[Note: Parody of TV series from the 90s, "Ai to iu nano motoni" (In the name of love).]
the Hideo Nakao in my belly button was tricked by a Filipino woman and almost killed himself.
Stop, you're killing me.
And that joke is ancient.
How can we possibly lose to a bunch of flabby otaku with their bellies hanging out?
There wasn't any need for me to participate.
That may apply to the otaku...
What is it?
Are you worried about something?
Well, I can't find Hijikata-san.
What? You're still worried about him?
Why isn't he around?
Well, I suppose it'd be hard to spot him in this huge crowd.
There's no need to worry.
It's possible that after all that big talk, he failed to finish the paperwork.
Whatever.
Anyway, I'm tired, so I'll take a sedan to the TV station.
I'll be rolling around in prize money, so I might as well start splurging now.
Hey, sedan!
Hey!
How lazy are you?!
You can't!
Didn't they say that any team that has a member who gives up would be disqualified?!
Refusing to run is the same as giving up!
It'll be fine.
I heard that ***** ********* was riding in a car when the cameras weren't on her on the 24-hour TV show.
[Note: Parody of "24 Hour TV Love Saves the Earth". A popular section of this show has charity marathons run by celebrities.]
And you've even got people who air pre-recorded stuff.
This isn't pre-recorded!
We'll lose the prize money and official membership cards!
Hey, cut it out already.
We're betting our fan club's existence here.
I'll beat the crap out of you if you don't shape up!
Let me go, stupid brat.
You want me to smash your best facial feature, those protruding teeth?
Like hell they're my best feature!
I obviously harbor a complex about that!
Bite your tongue.
People use their complexes as a way to mature.
You try to become better when you feel inferior.
So you could consider it a good feature in a way.
I'm gonna snap that great feature of yours.
Do it!
Snap them and make me handsome!
Stop it, Takachin!
Snapping them won't make you handsome!
That's not the issue here!
Damn it...
What's the issue-
Takachin!
Takachin, get a grip! Takachin!
They snapped...
How do they look...?
That's not the issue here!
What's the issue...?
Ah, he looks okay so carry on.
I see.
Uh, you're headed to the TV station, right?
Yes, OEDO TV.
Takachin!
Hey, somebody we obviously know was wearing a rather familiar lame costume
and headed to a place we just heard about in a taxi.
Huh?!
This isn't the time for that!
We have to take Takachin to the ER!
If anybody on the team gives up, that team is immediately disqualified!
Takachin...
The E-E-E-E-E-
His hair is bouncing back and forth. E-R, E-R.
Yeah, it sure is.
O-Okay.
We don't have time for this, Takachin.
L-Let's go.
H-Hey, walk properly.
Takachin, what's wrong?
That's why I told you not to drink so much.
Okay, we'll get you another round.
At the TV station bar.
H-His eyes are rolling back in his head.
Rolling back in his head!
He's obviously had too much to drink.
M-Maybe we should go to the E-
His hair's going E-R, E-R.
It sure is.
Uh, yeah.
Huh?
What are you doing, master?
[To Be Continued]
[Preview]
How long will you continue to struggle, members of the Tsu Terakado Fan Club?
When the other teams are all my pawns...
The next episode...
"If One Orange in the Box is Rotten, the Rest of Them Will Become Rotten Before You Know It!"
[With all the traps laid before them, the Tsu Terakado Fan Club is in danger of dropping out.]
[But the strongest help of all appears! And that person's name is...]
[See you next time.]